nothing says i love you like a mixtape

Being in ‘diff for almost three months now. I’ve begun to notice things. The first thing I've noticed was the sounds. They sounded different to SL.

After some preliminary findings, I stopped searching. Good music is popular here. It’s cattywampus! What was obscure shite in SL is common knowledge here. I blame the sheep.

Like this article, in one of the ‘diff student mags by Barry Cadshaw. It epitomizes what I’m talking about. Under the title “Undersexed in the City”, I typed it out just for you to help you along with your Christmas gift ideas and love-life acquisition. And I’m a sloth.

It started with a mix…The most era-defining method of seduction unravelled under mountains of discs and vinyl.

From greasy truckers cruising Interstate 5 to Journey and REO Speedwagon, through to pigtailed little bitches compiling their favourite Robbie and Razorlight, the cultural and symbolic act of home-taping is an integral part of the life cycle, whatever EMI and Lars Ulrich might tell you.

For hopeless romantics, it’s also the late 20th century equivalent of the Valentine's card or the garland of flowers. In 2006, a top-rating mixtape is how deals are sealed, how loves are won and lost, and quite possibly the key defining strategy of romancing for the underqualified.

It got me thinking, is this a game anyone can play? Is it just for the Myspace generation, or can people who don’t give two honking hoots who Stephen Malkmus is, still package their personality into 90 minutes of music. Of course you can.

Firstly: mixtape or mix cd? This is simple. A mixtape is for trying to woo somebody special, where the significance of the gift should outweigh what it actually is. It’s like a bunch of flowers. A cd is similar, but one that you secretly want them to listen to and go “wow, Iron Maiden b-sides!” as well. This is more of a functional gift, like saucy lingerie or Hugo Boss. Once your format is decided, the basic rules of mixtape etiquette have to be employed: no more than one song by each artist, don’t have too many cover versions, don’t lie to yourself and put on things that you don’t like, but you think they will. If you’re going to do that, you might as well write preliminary divorce papers into the sleeve notes.

Time is important. You’ve only got 90 minutes tops to sell your heart to them. Don’t put Mogwai Fear Satan by Mogwai on there like I did; if they don’t dig it that’s a sixth of the time wasted. You fool. Also, if you have too many long songs, then their attention is guaranteed to drift from “wow, I want sex with the Joanna Newsom fan who made this”, to “I want to have sex with Toby Anstis off the telly.” Focus is important, it’s why you shouldn’t fill your mix with songs they already know, that they can hear on the radio, or at an ice rink. Don’t put the Killers on there, for God’s sake.

So you’ve got their attention, what next? You’ve got to put your soul into it. And what says “I want to marry you!” like a multitude of schmindie whingers singing ditties about crayons and shoelaces? Nothing! You need at least five of these. If you’re a boy, these songs must be sung by boys. Likewise girls. You want the recipient to subconsciously imagine that it’s you singing the song, even if it’s by someone as notably grotesque as Willy Nelson. Find songs that hint that there’s more between your surface, like My Chemical Romance or Joy Division, these suggest that you are in touch with Death himself, and therefore live life more productively. All bullshit, naturally. Likewise, if you’re going to put cover versions on there, firstly make sure they know the original song (“what’s “Wind beneath my wings again?”), and put them near the beginning, leaving you a home run of brand new sensitive shite for the kiss-off.

There are lots of don’ts. Don’t put anything “funny” on there. Romeo and Juliet did not become star-crossed lovers over how hee-larious “Fuck her gently” by Tenacious D is. Similarly, don’t put any songs with suggestive titles on there. I made this mistake with “The hard one” by The Beta Band. Don’t put songs by yourself on there. You can’t sing, and they don’t want to know that. Don’t put songs by your friend’s band on there, that’s like encouraging them to run off and shag your fitter, happier more productive friends. Oh yeah, and don’t even toy with the idea of having Radiohead on there. Are you completely stupid?

Risks are worth taking. Even if they don’t like King Wasp by Add N to (X) (perfectly understandable), at least years down the line you can go “I can’t believe I put this on your tape!”. Beware, you’ve got to get to that stage first, and it won’t happen if the whole mix is full of songs that sound like a beekeeper farting through a vocoder.

Most importantly, make it a GIFT. Make a beautiful cover out of glitter and National Geographic cutouts. Give it a suggestive title from one of the lyrics (e.g. “I want to fuck you like an animal”). It must be perfect, otherwise you might as well give them a turd in a box. Lastly, don’t put either Nick Drake or Jeff Buckley on there. Whilst these two deceased crooners are fairly amicable, looking at a TDK C90 to find them on there is comparable to opening a luxury-wrapped present on Christmas day only to find it’s a pair of socks. Not even ones that can play a decent tune.