the sniper at the gates of heaven

There’s this chick from Kenya and although, you may think “ah, black chick”, she’s brown and doesn’t look African. Habitually engaging in small-talk, she has the most bizarre quotes, facts and stories to recount. Oh, she’s Stefano’s classmate and almost always accompanies us to the cinema. She buys a monthly pass.

On the day we went to see “Déjà vu”:

Stafano introduces me as sloth -- not sloth but what they call me by.

Us: so what do you do in your free time?
She: a whole lotta things. You guys seem really lazy and do nothing I bet
Me: I joined the Krishna Consciousness Society
She: ahahaha why?
Me: oh I dunno. Relaxation, yoga, milking cows, etc.
She: that’s gay!
Me: hahahaha. It’s all right.
She: I do caving, rock climbing and horse riding
Us: what’s caving like?
She: well, we delve into these unexplored caves and it’s so dark and scary. We don’t know what’s in there. It’s really cold too so I might quit soon and join rifling.
She: gonna grab a Cornetto. I hate popcorn and crisps
...
She: I can probably take on a Cheetah
Us: what? How?
She: yeah, if you know how

The day we checked out “Babel”:

Stefano: You’ve met sloth
She: who’s this?
Stefano: oh ok, sloth
She: I’m really bad with names
Me: and faces

Us: so what’s your religion?
She: Ismaili
Us: err, what’s that? Anything to do with Islam?
She: no. I’m for women’s rights and against covering my head
Us: oh, so do you eat pork?
She: Well, yeah, I mean if there’s nothing else to eat what else can I do? I can’t starve to death! I feel kinda pukish after eating it though.
Us: don’t you have dogs too?
She: yeah seven dogs back in Kenya
Us: ah
She: gonna grab a Cornetto. I hate popcorn and crisps

….some random shiz and we ended up talking about Samoa.

She: it’s in Africa
Us: no, not Africa. The South Pacific…near New Zealand.
She: Africa!
She: oh, and also there’s an easy way to get to New Zealand from Africa.
Us: the shit?!
She: yeah, you guys know nothing

After Babel, we go home and do a Wiki on Ismaili.

On the day we checked out “Hot Fuzz” (not a hairy porn movie):

Stefano: you know sloth
She: yeah, I’m not good with names though
Me: she’s getting better

Us: so Ismaili…hasn’t it got an Indian descent, particularly stemming from the Bohra community?
She: no!
Us: oh!
She: the only Indians I know are my former neighbours and my best friend who I met here
Us: we read it on wiki
She: see that’s rubbish. Go to the official site you bunch of morons
She: we’ve got some Caucasian descent
Us: okay then
She: gonna grab a Cornetto. I hate popcorn and crisps

After the movie:

She: British humour sucks
Me: well, it was entertaining and quirky
She: good thing my pass was free

Us: how’s the job search going?
She: I’ve gotten rejected from every single one simply since I’m Kenyan
Us: that’s a shame

She: lemme tell you a story about an exam I was about to write
Us: all righty
She: when the invigilator handed me the paper, he whispered “your grandma just died”
Us: Jebus!
She: yeah, that damn fool. He could have waited until I bloody finished the exam, couldn’t he?
Us: one thoughtless bastard

Well, that’s all I can recollect. I’ve probably just mentioned half of the shiz she’s said. Oh, the humanity. The hilarity. She’s awesome! And increasingly turning out to be better than the movie.